Since coming home from India at the end of November, I feel as though I've been in a season of transition, adjustment, culture shock, and re-integration while trying to have a "grid" for what I saw and experienced amidst coming home to the "same old". I'm not sure how to make sense of feeling so different and changed, yet feeling as though little changed at home. It feels almost ridiculous to still be struggling, as I've been home for several months now. But, here I am writing this even though I'm unsure I have the words to adequately describe any of it.
My trip was so much more than just touring India. I experienced India in one of the most beautiful ways possible, and it left it's mark on me. I think it's safe to say I left some of my heart there.
I spent a total of six weeks there, completely immersed in the culture. Some of this time was spent volunteering as nurse with the Anugrah program in Dehradun (N. India). The rest of the time was spent travelling with my friends who have family there. Their family and friends became my family. During the trip I was picked up at airports, accompanied on trains, and cared for by people I had just met. Instantly I felt at home in completely foreign places. I felt known. I felt loved in ways I haven't felt loved through the incredible hospitality that was poured out. There aren't words to describe Indian hospitality, truly! I spent so little time with each person I met, yet such deep friendships were formed. God really does weave us together as his sons and daughters, regardless of cultural differences, language barriers or ocean waters and land masses that separate us. Instead of just "seeing" India, I experienced it fully in a very relational, life-changing way.
I didn't expect to cry each time I said goodbye to my new Indian family and friends, but I did. I have never experienced such sorrow in my heart with goodbyes at the possibility of not seeing people again, or feeling uncertain of when the next time will be, and the longing that accompanies these emotions. God used and is using those moments to draw me deeper into himself and to understand myself in him more fully. That heartache is less but still present, some days worse than others. At times people feel close, thanks to email, Skype and Facebook. However, there are times when these friends could not feel further away and the longing to be present with them is overwhelming. There are days when India feels like an amazing dream that never happened.
India changed me in ways I am not sure I can describe yet. Perhaps I will never be able to describe it. As I've been processing my trip and "learning" to live life here again, feeling different and changed somehow, a friend said she was reminded of the story of Jacob wrestling with God. She encouraged me to seek revelation from God in this story, as she felt I could possibly relate to it. Jacob wrestled with God, and in that fight, encountered him in a powerful way. He walked away changed in many ways, including physically, as he was hurt in the process and limped after. While in India I experienced God, his love, family and community in ways that have a left a "limp" in my heart. I saw things that have not left me the same as I was. I'm learning what it means to live now, feeling changed, and being okay with it. I'm adjusting to the limp. God doesn't want me to revert back to the way I was and and the way I lived. I was changed for a reason, even though it feels hard and does not make a whole lot of sense.
My trip to India was such a blessing, and when I say frequently that I miss it, I really do. I am not wishing to re-live the past, but am working through a process. A process that I can't fully describe or explain well, clearly ;) When I came home there was a profound loneliness amidst the culture shock and re-integration period I entered into. There is also a longing in my heart to see people whom I love there, who became family and tangibly showed me God's love. I am so thankful for the experience I had in India, for the blessing it was, and for each person I met along the way. I am thankful for the ways I encountered God there, even though it hurts a little now. I am also thankful that God is in this process, walking with me and holding my heart that has a bit of a limp now.
