Hope, Etc.

Over the last few weeks I've encountered several patients through my job that are in situations that just scream "hopeless". It's hard to see an end or a way out for them. My many ideas and resources have run dry, or so it seems. I've spent moments in my car, prior to these home visits trying to gather the courage to face them because it feels overwhelming, and I feel unsure of how to help.

It's those days when there are no answers. The days when efforts feel as though they have been useless because nothing has even slightly improved. The days when hearts feel like they cannot possibly break anymore than they already have. At the end of those days, I often drive home wondering whether or not I did enough, or if I am really cut out for this "helping profession" called nursing. 

And I'm reminded that I've prayed "Lord, break my heart for what breaks yours". I'm also reminded that it's not just my heart breaking. And Jesus reveals himself through these people in beautiful ways. Through all of this I'm reminded of my own brokenness. So my heart continues to break, and I battle the hopelessness, discouragement and disillusionment that tries to come hand in hand with that on those harder days.

It's in the quiet moments, where I'm still, and leave room for God to speak that I hear the words "have hope". Through Hebrews 6:18-19, I am gently reminded of the hope we have through Jesus. A sure, steadfast hope regardless of the seasons, circumstances, and the pain. I give thanks, because I can be hope-full. 

(Photo by Bethel)

Because, even when it seems hopeless, God is there. Emmanuel, God with us. God is always moving, working, and has a plan for all of our lives. The whole entire world is in his hands. God works through us and our mess, and is never overwhelmed or afraid of it. Thankfully so! And somehow he touches others' lives through our own broken ones. Hopelessness has a way of blinding us to the beautiful ways in which God is working, and lately I have been feeling a little blind. Or, maybe a lot blind. Hope helps us see the unseen, and the eternal and not just through the circumstantial lens that points to impossibilities. Because more often than not, I only see the statistics, the impossible, and forget that our ways our not his ways.

It's in these moments that I have often needed friends to remind of me of the work being done in and through my life, and be encouraged by how God is working in their own lives. It's really amazing to magnify God's goodness in each others' lives, to be encouraged, refreshed, and experience renewed hope. We need one another within the context of community. We need hope.

Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up...

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (ESV)

Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for he who promised is faithful. And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near.

Hebrews 10:23-25 (ESV)



Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without words
And never stops at all
~ Emily Dickinson

Dignity, defined

I have been thinking a lot about dignity and what it means to provide "dignified care" to my clients as a nurse in the DTES, particularly with palliative care.

Although this has been an ongoing lesson for quite some time, this week punched me in the gut and really challenged my thinking around what this means. I'll back up a little. For the past few months I have been caring for a middle-aged guy battling Lung Cancer living in an SRO hotel (single room occupancy). The cancer is winning, and he is angry about it. Rightfully so. The pain descriptor he uses every day that I see him is "enormous", regardless of how much we increase his pain medications. It's hard to see him in pain. He chooses not to have sheets on his bed, and refuses to allow anyone to clean his room for him. The laundry continues to pile up, alongside the overflowing garbage bucket. My shoes stick to the floor a little more each day, and my heart also breaks a little more each day. Some days he lets me tidy things up a little, and other days, he doesn't. Sometimes he lets me bring him some fruit and a National Geographic to read, and other days he tells me to "F$*% off". 

I have spent the last few weeks trying to convince him to allow people to clean his room, go to hospice where he can receive 24/7 care, or just allow building staff to check on him, etc. Because, that is what makes a good palliative nurse right? That it looks good, that things are in order, the "way it should be", that pain/symptoms are managed. That someone passes away peacefully in hospice with people around them. If that happens, then I have done my job well it would seem and I can pat myself on the back.

Well, then currently I'm the worst palliative nurse, ever.
But that's the thing, it's not about me.

"Just let me do things my way" he said to me last week.
I thought I was doing that.

Busted.

I was praying about this situation, asking God how I can best provide care to this client who on the best of days is hostile, angry, and upset with us for asking how his pain is or if he wants sheets put on his bed. I felt God remind me that dignity is about honouring what people want for themselves, not what I want for them. I have also been thinking about compassion and what it is, and isn't. I'm starting to realize that perhaps it's not really compassion to be distressed with the situations I come across like this (over and over again) just because it doesn't look the way I think it should, nor is it my right that the client knows I'm struggling with their decisions or way of living. 

Dignity is about validating, honouring and respecting a person's wishes regardless of what I think would be better for them.

Don't get me wrong. It's completely normal to feel distressed and struggle with the suffering we see. It's good to be aware of these feelings, but they shouldn't dictate or motivate our actions and words. A friend recently reminded me that compassion means "suffer with" in Latin. 

I feel a complete paradigm shift in my thinking about all of this. In the last few weeks I have stopped trying to convince this client to make different decisions/change his mind about hospice, so that I can feel less distressed. I see him every day, and I ask questions about his pain and other symptoms, but our conversations are mostly about what I can do to help him get through the day, today. I make the calls to his physician about needing more pain medications, and I am just present with him because that is what he wants, even if only for a few minutes. He is fully aware of the supports and resources available to him, and our agreement now is that he will tell me if he wants any of it. I don't ask or push an agenda anymore.

A social worker recently said to me, "People often die the way they lived".

I would finish that statement with, "My job is to come alongside them and respect that".

I am not a failure because this man has no sheets on his bed or because his room is a mess. I am failing him if I don't allow him to tell me what dignity is for him. I need to allow him to tell me what he wants, instead of me telling him what he should want. I'm not being "moved with compassion" if I am just trying to get things done and in order because that's how it "should be" or that is what looks good/right according to the palliative care guidelines or, our consciences. 

This is going to be a never-ending lesson, as I know there will be other clients like this that I will walk alongside. I only hope that I can continue to love better and provide dignified care in a way that respects who they are, their decisions, and how they have lived their lives. I am humbled on a regular basis by what my clients teach me in the DTES, and this was a large piece of humble pie to chew on. In fact, I'm still working on it.

Community is a wonderful place, it is life giving; but it is also 
a place of pain because it is a place of truth and of growth: 
the revelation of our pride, our fear, and our brokenness. 

- Jean Vanier

Loving Much

"A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." John 13:34 (NIV)

I like to think I am good at loving people, but the reality is that I'm not. I'm very human and I make a lot of mistakes and don't "keep my love on" very well as Danny Silk talks about in his book titled just that. Sidenote: I'd highly recommend that book. Check it out here. 

Recently, I met a new client in my home care nursing job who was too intoxicated to talk to me the first handful of times I tried to visit him and do my initial visit and assessment. I had doubts about whether or not this would be successful, and admittedly caught myself passing a bit of judgement while thinking these thoughts. The third time I went to visit him was at a time he had decided would work best for him, and he even asked me to write him a reminder. I arrived at the appointed time to find him passed out, covered in his own vomit, stool, and coughing up blood. I stood there almost feeling unable to breathe between the smell of the room and my heart breaking for this man.

I called an ambulance for him, and a few weeks later he was discharged home. I went back to see him, unsure of how it would go. Much to my surprise, he remembered me, and was surprised to see me. "Why did you come back?" he said, a little sheepishly. I said, "Because I believe in lots of chances." The guy seemed even more surprised at this response, and then apologized in such a wholehearted way for how he had treated me at previous visits. I also apologized. It was a beautiful moment.

After this visit, I felt God remind me that that his heart for us as our Father.
That he is the giver of many chances. That he continually stops for the one, you and I, and forgives and loves us regardless of what we have or have not done. 

I have been reading in Luke 7 about the sinful woman who anointed Jesus' feet with perfume. Jesus' response to the pharisee in this story was "Therefore, I tell you, her many sins are forgiven -- as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little" (verse 47).

God has really been speaking to me through this verse in my own struggle with sin, and being able to forgive myself, and receive his forgiveness. He also spoke to me about receiving his unconditional love and acceptance, and reminded me that yes, I have been forgiven much, but I can love much because of it. We are all that woman with the alabaster jar of perfume, with a lot of love to give.

Reflections on Lent

This year I decided to commit to reading Journey to the Cross as part of Lent, which is a 40-day season of preparation and repentance as we anticipate the death and resurrection of Jesus. During this time we may fast (various foods, TV, shopping, Facebook, negative attitudes...etc), and aim to understand the significance of the crucifixion in a deeper way through meditation, reflection, repentance, prayer, worship...

During the Lent season we give up and take up. This year I felt to give up/fast desserts & sugar. I also felt to give up having constant access to Facebook/social media because I find myself checking it quite frequently throughout the day when I'm bored, and I tend to waste a lot of time on there. The Facebook app is now deleted off my iPhone (perhaps permanently?), and I am working on checking it only once or twice a day.

So, what am I taking up?

I am taking up reading the Journey of the Cross daily, and spending more time reading the Word, praying, and being with God. I find this really hard amidst the distractions, the pulls, and pressures that come with each day. I find it hard not to reply to a text I receive because I hear my phone go off as I'm reading my Bible or listening to a message. Or I suddenly need to do my banking, or fold my laundry, right now. Everything but focusing on God comes easy for me at times. This is something that really should be a lifestyle for me as a Christian, and is something I desire amidst the busy-ness of life that so often gets in the way of that.

The Lord has been whispering to me, "Megan, be still".

The laundry can wait. The texting can wait. The dishes can wait. Be still.

Sit at Jesus' feet like Mary did (John 12, Luke 10).

So, I'm taking up having this time with the Lord being un-distracted. This means putting my phone in another room, or shutting off my computer, because who else is worthy of my undivided attention & devotion but God our Father? Who else deserves full access to me except him?

What joy is set before us as we prepare for Easter, as we walk through the wilderness or desert where God is with us even when it doesn't feel that way.

It's not too late to give up, take up, and enter into this season as Easter approaches.

May we desire and come "to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings" (Philippians 3:10) through the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2).

India

It's been a while since I last wrote... Quite honestly, part of me wanted to give up on blogging all together. Part of me still had/has ideas whirling around in my head that have become partially written posts that I just couldn't finish or post. I have various drafts on further ramblings thoughts on gentrification, as well as community. I came to the realization that I just couldn't post about anything else until I shared some thoughts on my trip to India.

Since coming home from India at the end of November, I feel as though I've been in a season of transition, adjustment, culture shock, and re-integration while trying to have a "grid" for what I saw and experienced amidst coming home to the "same old". I'm not sure how to make sense of feeling so different and changed, yet feeling as though little changed at home. It feels almost ridiculous to still be struggling, as I've been home for several months now. But, here I am writing this even though I'm unsure I have the words to adequately describe any of it.

My trip was so much more than just touring India. I experienced India in one of the most beautiful ways possible, and it left it's mark on me. I think it's safe to say I left some of my heart there.

I spent a total of six weeks there, completely immersed in the culture. Some of this time was spent volunteering as nurse with the Anugrah program in Dehradun (N. India). The rest of the time was spent travelling with my friends who have family there. Their family and friends became my family. During the trip I was picked up at airports, accompanied on trains, and cared for by people I had just met. Instantly I felt at home in completely foreign places. I felt known. I felt loved in ways I haven't felt loved through the incredible hospitality that was poured out. There aren't words to describe Indian hospitality, truly! I spent so little time with each person I met, yet such deep friendships were formed. God really does weave us together as his sons and daughters, regardless of cultural differences, language barriers or ocean waters and land masses that separate us. Instead of just "seeing" India, I experienced it fully in a very relational, life-changing way.

I didn't expect to cry each time I said goodbye to my new Indian family and friends, but I did. I have never experienced such sorrow in my heart with goodbyes at the possibility of not seeing people again, or feeling uncertain of when the next time will be, and the longing that accompanies these emotions. God used and is using those moments to draw me deeper into himself and to understand myself in him more fully. That heartache is less but still present, some days worse than others. At times people feel close, thanks to email, Skype and Facebook. However, there are times when these friends could not feel further away and the longing to be present with them is overwhelming. There are days when India feels like an amazing dream that never happened.

India changed me in ways I am not sure I can describe yet. Perhaps I will never be able to describe it. As I've been processing my trip and "learning" to live life here again, feeling different and changed somehow, a friend said she was reminded of the story of Jacob wrestling with God. She encouraged me to seek revelation from God in this story, as she felt I could possibly relate to it. Jacob wrestled with God, and in that fight, encountered him in a powerful way. He walked away changed in many ways, including physically, as he was hurt in the process and limped after. While in India I experienced God, his love, family and community in ways that have a left a "limp" in my heart. I saw things that have not left me the same as I was. I'm learning what it means to live now, feeling changed, and being okay with it. I'm adjusting to the limp. God doesn't want me to revert back to the way I was and and the way I lived. I was changed for a reason, even though it feels hard and does not make a whole lot of sense. 

My trip to India was such a blessing, and when I say frequently that I miss it, I really do. I am not wishing to re-live the past, but am working through a process. A process that I can't fully describe or explain well, clearly ;) When I came home there was a profound loneliness amidst the culture shock and re-integration period I entered into. There is also a longing in my heart to see people whom I love there, who became family and tangibly showed me God's love. I am so thankful for the experience I had in India, for the blessing it was, and for each person I met along the way. I am thankful for the ways I encountered God there, even though it hurts a little now. I am also thankful that God is in this process, walking with me and holding my heart that has a bit of a limp now.

Community & Co-Housing

Today I ate lunch in the lunch room at work, for the first time in months. Lately I've been one of the desk-eaters... the ones who just keep working and put food into their mouths when they have a spare second between phone calls, charting, home visits, and the various crises that occur on a regular basis. But today was different. I decided to sit down, eat lunch without my computer, and read the newspaper.

The front page immediately caught my eye as it had a headline about a new Co-Housing development in the Kensington-Cedar Cottage area of Vancouver.

You can read the full article here, but the Cole's Notes version is that a development proposal for Co-Housing has been put forward which hopes to build a 31 residential condominium building that would contain individual/separate condos with their own amenities but large common areas for cooking, eating together, laundry, offices, etc. They talk to a few people interested in this type of lifestyle, who express a desire to know their neighbours, to share life together.

What I read in between the lines: People are longing for community. People are realizing they need each other. People want to be known and know others. And it's people in VANCOUVER wanting this. A place that is one of the "most liveable cities" in the world, yet many people feel isolated and alone and pursue an individualistic lifestyle. I'm not trying to generalize. This obviously doesn't apply to everyone and all of Vancouver. But it's been my prayer that isolation, loneliness, despair would lift and that people would realize their need for God and community. I am encouraged by this article because it's showing that people are longing for community in some way, even if they can't fully articulate it and may not even be fully conscious of this need or desire.

I feel strongly in my Spirit that one of the keys for the Gospel to spread in Vancouver, for people to encounter God and his love is in the context of community. I have felt this for a while, and have the joy of seeing it happen in our own small group that meets every few weeks, as well as in our own home where we are embracing community living. God is on really on the move within small groups/community groups. He is using communities, however they may look, in a powerful way. In ways, I can't even comprehend or fully imagine.

It reminds me of Acts 2:46-48 where they met daily together to break bread, to eat together, and to Praise God while enjoying one another's company and favour. And daily people were being saved! This is how they did church for hundreds of years.

"The fullness of Christ will not come without Christians standing with each other in love."

- Francis Frangipane, The Three Battlegrounds

Let's live this. 

That's my heart right now.

..... And hey, what if half of the owners of this new Co-Housing development were Christians?

My Rambling Thoughts on Gentrification, Part 2

Read Part 1 here

Perhaps my biggest struggle with all of this is still seeing the segregation and division. There is little to no integration or blurring of communities as middle/upper class have moved in over the last couple years. On one block you are in the midst of the perhaps organized chaos of what happens in front of the bottle depot on Hastings, and the next block you can go enjoy a coffee and croissant at a new coffee shop, with all that out of sight and mind!
It's the coffee shop that:
(a) isn't affordable to people living in the DTES
(b) I purchase coffee from regularly.

While on the coffee topic... I've definitely struggled with wondering whether or not my purchasing of this coffee or a $3 donut from the new donut shop has helped contribute or encourage gentrification. Maybe that's extreme, but it's made me uncomfortable to think about. With that said, I'm NOT implying (in any way) that we should feel guilty about going to these places and supporting businesses in the area. Let's not forget that this post is my ramblings.... this discomfort and struggle I'm having is not a bad thing. It's making me think. It's making me ask questions. It's challenging me.

What am I trying to say in these ramblings?
It seems I have more questions than answers, and it's all quite messy....

Maybe this process of gentrification could be improved...smoother.... better integrated... but where do we start? Is there a starting point?

I'm proposing that as a community we first start with being more aware of one another. While we can not control or change the fact that disparities may always exist, we can't turn a blind eye and pretend things don't exist just because we aren't comfortable seeing someone pan handling or injecting on the street corner. We can be more respectful, primarily through our attitudes and actions - both of which we can control. The reality is that this is going to be hard work. The reality is that community is hard work. Proximity doesn't automatically equal community - as witnessed by SROs and condos being next to one another.

I think that people need a platform and opportunity to discuss the changes that are happening in their community. These community meetings should include all sides and parties. Business owners and city planners should have a place at this table, as well as residents from the community. Perhaps communication, and having people's voices heard would change the impact that gentrification is having. Coming from the girl who has been willing to pay $3 for a donut once in a while, this might be a naive proposition but I really think communication and discussion is a key here. I also think there are creative ways for people to get involved and establish relationships with the people who already live in the DTES, the resources they access and the community that already exists!

Perhaps new businesses and restaurants can learn from Save On Meats, a diner that has been established in area since 1957 and "aims to be a reliable neighbour in the DTES". I've noticed that they are quite a well-respected establishment in the area, and are very much accessible to anyone, not just because it's affordable. They have generated a really welcoming atmosphere. You can read more about their partnership and involvement with the community here.

Unfortunately I don't have any straight forward, cut-and-dry answers to any of my questions, but I guess I am wanting to open up the discussion. I am not even sure I have any ideas for the "creative ways" for gentrified businesses to get involved as I (naively?) propose. Perhaps I should stop calling these businesses "gentrified" because that label may also be contributing to the separation and segregation from my end.

Perhaps the biggest issues in the DTES aren't prostitution, homelessness and addiction! Perhaps the biggest issue is an intense longing for community in a deeper, bigger, more united way. I don't think that this longing for community exists only in the DTES. I think it's a Vancouver wide groaning. Or at least it's groaning in me.

Maybe that is why gentrification makes me so uncomfortable because currently it's a collision of separate worlds and communities that really aren't so separate (we are all human after all), that could come together in a powerful way and create community together. It just hasn't happened yet. I'm dreaming big, but all it takes are small steps...

My Rambling thoughts on Gentrification, Part 1

Gentrification
: the process of renewal and rebuilding, accompanying the influx of middle-class or affluent people into deteriorating areas that often displaces poor residents.
(reference)

Gentrification gets a pretty bad rap in the DTES of Vancouver. You have probably seen or heard about the various protests that were happening in the last few months against new restaurants in the DTES which attracted ample media attention. There have been hunger strikes, windows smashed, picketing, and ultimately, a lot of anger from many people, with many different perspectives and opinions.

Something I have been pondering and struggling with is whether or not gentrification is a good thing in the DTES. I also wrestle with how to make it less negative as I've seen a lot more negative impacts than positive. I have the privilege to work alongside people who live in the DTES as a home care nurse, and I have seen some of the effects of gentrification on them. While I have yet to talk about it directly with people living there, I hope to do so in the future as part of a blog series. I have discussed this topic over and over again with friends who work and live in the DTES, and generally speaking, they seem to be struggling in the same way. What is our role in all of this? Is there anything we can do? While part of my purpose in taking on this topic is me wanting to understand it all better and to hear about gentrification from all sides/parties involved, I also would love to see more discussions about this between everyone involved.

One of the most common negative impacts of gentrification is that it causes an increase in the cost of living, which makes basic living expenses less affordable and accessible to people. This is hard for those living on lower incomes and welfare, and eventually forces people to move/be displaced. Many small businesses aren't able to stay open as the rent keeps rising. I've noticed personally that housing costs in the Strathcona area have increased dramatically in the last year. It's certainly not as affordable as it once was, and I can't help but think it has to do with gentrification and the area becoming more "trendy".

Perhaps a positive result of gentrification is that the area often becomes a bit more "cleaned up"? Whatever that means though? Often it seems that making an area "cleaner" requires displacement or turning a blind eye to the pre-existing real needs and issues faced by the community. I'm thinking of how the city of Vancouver handled homelessness in preparation to the Olympics coming here in 2010. There's only so much "sweeping under the rug" we can do, since rugs can only hide so much.

To be honest, I'm finding it challenging to think of other positives that are in fact, "positive". Is creating more housing for middle/upper class people and boosting the economy through new business and condo developments really a positive thing if it displaces others from their homes and businesses? I would love to discuss gentrification with the people who are apart of the city planning and changes happening, or even restaurant and business owners that have established themselves down there.

Am I understanding the purpose of gentrification and the motives correctly? I want to understand. I want to see things from both sides, and figure out how these sides can come together. Awareness is a good place to start.

I remember being in one of the (sketchier) hotels in Chinatown, visiting a man discharged from the hospital too early after a major surgery. Things were not looking great as his incision was hugely at risk for infection. I'm trying to problem solve and  figure out how to meet his complex needs amidst a chaotic, pretty unclean environment. To complicate matters, he had no food and no clean clothes. Below his window, was a line-up of 30+ people standing in line for a sale at a pop-up trendy looking clothing store. He told me that people had been lining up for hours. It just seemed ironic. It was one of those moments where I had this profound realization of the messy collision of cultures, financial disparities, attitudes, lifestyles that are happening in the DTES and surrounding area. A collision that I'm fully apart of, whether I'm working as a nurse or enjoying Gastown on a day off.

The hardest part of this? I'm not sure this gentrification process is going away anytime soon. So where does that leave those of us struggling with it? Is there a way for restaurants and businesses and the people they attract (I'll refrain from using the word 'hipster' here...) to be better integrated into the already existing community rather than trying to 'change' it and wanting/forcing people to move? Can this collision come together in a beautiful way and even strengthen community in the DTES?

I have more questions than answers it seems, as it's quite messy and unclear.

Stay tuned for Part 2 of my rambling thoughts on Gentrification as I propose some ideas, more questions, and discuss a well-established business that is working hard at being a "good neighbour" in the DTES.

Guest Post: Community in the DTES

This guest post is written by my lovely friend Jenny who lives and works in the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver. I couldn't think of a better person to write about community in the DTES so I asked her to write whatever was on her heart and mind about it. PS: Jenny is also a very creative and talented artist. Creative and talented is an understatement. Take a look at her work here.

___________________________________________________________________________________________

When I first moved to the Downtown Eastside I had high expectations for how I was going to usher the Kingdom of God into the ‘hood. Maybe I expected to see fireworks, but it didn’t quite happen that way. I had a few lofty ideas about how the Kingdom would come in this place. But then I realized the God has been here all along, and I was to simply partner with Him in what was already happening.

I wouldn’t say that my saviour complex subsided as easily. 

My involvement in the neighbourhood started five years ago as a university student, eager to give to ‘the poor’. After graduating, I moved to an intentional Christian community. I learned that the most valuable thing I had to offer was my time, so I invested what I could with my neighbours. I mostly just wandered the streets, ate free food and engaged in conversation with every single person who talked to me. Note: this is a good way to become a fixture in any neighbourhood.  

After a month of community living, I got a job at a non-profit community centre in the area. I moved out of the house and into an apartment with a roommate. I lived with less people but my community expanded dramatically. At work I was seeing at least a hundred and fifty people a day. In the beginning I struggled with my various roles. At Servants I was a missionary. With my current job I am a Community Development Worker. Both positions have an implied power. I yearned to be just another person in the neighbourhood, joining in the everyday struggles and burdens that come with the territory, but also participating in the celebrations of small victories.

The other night a man approached me while I was chatting with a friend in front of the bottle depot, “You sure don’t look like you belong here.” He smirked. I think he was trying to scare me. “Oh, but I do. I’m from the ‘hood, just ask Bobby”, I nodded at the guy sitting in a wheelchair. “Yep, she’s from the ‘hood. But not in that way. She’s normal.” I cringed, another label I have to live with. Sometimes you have to accept things graciously and not put up a fight. 

I have since come to terms with my niche in the neighbourhood. It looks different in some situations but mostly I want to be consistent in how I act and who I am. I want to see God move in all areas of my life; especially the areas that overlap with my community.

This summer marks my third year of living in the DTES. My pursuit to invest in people has resulted in beautiful friendships, as well as raw experiences. The deeper we go into community, the messier it gets. I champion the need for vulnerability but when it comes down to it, I’m not always willing to participate. Once a friend told me that we had known each other long enough and she wanted to help me because I was always helping her. It threw me for a loop, I was so comfortable in my role as helper/provider that I didn’t know how to receive it from someone else. In Community and Growth, Jean Vanier writes that he is “struck by how sharing our weakness and difficulties is more nourishing to others than sharing our qualities and successes.” 

Two years ago a great man passed away. Ricky was the epitome of community in the Downtown Eastside. He was the friendly face that everyone, and I mean everyone, knew. I took part in his memorial march. Never have I felt so completely undone in public. The crazy thing was that I felt safe enough to weep. I stood with friends from church and the street and we grieved, together. It is a beautiful thing when we can breach barriers of social hierarchy and connect as brothers and sisters.

There is beauty in the midst of pain here. And sometimes, by God’s grace, the former outweighs the latter. 

Dear Licia Corbella

With the recent death of Glee actor, Cory Monteith due to a drug and alcohol overdose, there have been many articles and thoughts buzzing around the internet and social media world. When I stumbled across this article, which has received a lot of negative media attention, my blood boiled to a degree it had not yet reached, and I decided to send the writer an email. She may not even read my email, and I don't expect a response by any means. While my email to her may have blown off some steam, my primary reason for writing her was to address the injustice and judgment she expressed of Vancouver and the DTES. 

An article about Corbella defending her original piece can be read here.

Disclaimer: I am fully aware that harm reduction and pretty much this entire topic is quite controversial. I don't think harm reduction is a solution by any means. Truthfully, I would love and I strongly desire to see people set free of their addictions and not need a place to use drugs in a safer manner. God is setting people free and will continue doing that! He isn't bound by harm reduction or abstinence based programs. Perhaps I will write more on that another time. 

For interest's sake, here's an article written by a Christian nurse who worked at InSite, titled "Why I help addicts shoot up".

Dear Licia,

I am a home care nurse who works in the "cancerous lesion" that "needs to be surgically removed", known as the Downtown Eastside of Vancouver (DTES). I am writing in response to your article, "Vancouver's easy drug access may have helped kill Monteith". I am sure I'm one of many, many people who have emailed you about this and expressed anger. I am angry for a couple of reasons. Firstly because I feel you expressed opinions based on your own assumptions, biases, and complete lack of understanding or evidence.

I could go on and on, directing you to evidence-based, thorough research studies about InSite and the (extremely low) percentage of people who use drugs for the first time there, as well as articles about harm reduction and how it is successful. I could also mention that above InSite, is OnSite which is a detox program. I could also remind you that InSite does not provide drugs, but rather it's a supervised place where people can inject and health care providers can help to bridge a health care gap to people in the DTES. It's not only a place where people come to inject drugs. For many, InSite is a first point of access or contact with health care services. They can be connected to OnSite, a physician or clinic nearby, and have their wounds dressed or other health care concerns addressed. But, by now you might already have been told all of this or read it for yourself.

The second, and biggest reason I was angered by your article (and defence article) is because I work very closely with the population you are discussing who access InSite and live in the DTES. The population of drug users that you have described as a "cancerous lesion" are in fact real people, more like you and I than you might care to believe. It has been a complete honour and privilege to work in the DTES as a nurse, to get a glimpse of what these people face on a daily basis and to come alongside them, help them advocate for themselves, and ultimately, see them as people and treat them in a humane, merciful, and loving way. They are not just drug users, they are over comers in every sense of the word because they have faced trauma and judgments that no one should ever have to face. I would encourage you to walk in their shoes or at least learn about harm reduction and what InSite's purpose really is before broadcasting your opinion and judgments. The DTES doesn't have room for anymore judgment. 

Next time you are in Vancouver, I encourage you to take a tour of InSite to find out what really happens there and talk to people firsthand who work there. Not that it's "safe to assume" anything but I do think you would find it is more than just "well meaning". 

Sincerely, 

Megan Wiebe

Informed Vancouverite & Nurse

Community: Peace Doesn't (Always) Equal Understanding

About a month and a half after Sarah, Robert and myself had started "living in community" together, they found out they were pregnant. When I heard this news, several emotions went through my head. Some of these emotions I'm not particularly proud of. While I felt excited and joyful, I also felt scared, upset and disappointed because I thought our time of living together was going to end even though it had just begun.

As I said, I'm not proud of the initial emotions I felt and although I'm not in any way justifying it, I do want to provide some context and background. We had just moved to Vancouver. Sarah and I had both graduated from nursing school and written our Canadian RN exam in June. I had only been working at my new job in Vancouver for a few weeks, and it was overwhelming to say the least. This was also the first time I had moved out, and I was missing my family and the familiarity I had known. I felt like everything in my life was in huge transition, and not very much was familiar or comfortable.

I reacted to this news out of a place of fear (and selfishness) and couldn't see past it for a while. Upon receiving their news I immediately decided that the obvious, logical thing to do was find a place to live and new roommates. And I tried to do that. Ohh, how I tried! It was honestly God's grace that nothing worked out, and he was certainly trying to tell me something. I just wasn't listening, or wasn't ready to listen. I didn't understand and decided to focus on that which ultimately made it more distressing.

I remember telling a friend about all of this, and how I was sad to have to move and experience more change. His response to me was "Well, what is your definition of community?" I didn't really know how to answer that at the time. He pointed out that community also includes families, and that perhaps when someone's having a baby it's the time when they need people in community the most.

He had a good point.

What he said felt like a sucker punch in the stomach to be honest, mostly because I felt offended. I felt offended because I knew he was right, but I didn't know what to think of that, nor was I ready to accept what he was saying. So I kept on doing what I was doing...looked at a few places, tried to figure out who to live with... In the mean time I was feeling more and more confused about what to do, while Robert was hearing from God that we may all continue living together. He didn't tell me this until later. Sarah was also going through her own process with all of this.

Finally I took time to listen to God and I felt him saying to lay it down and just trust him. So I did, and should have from the beginning! The shift for me was night and day. I went from being anxious and stressed over my living situation to total peace. I felt like I different person. People noticed the change. The crazy part was, I still didn't know what I was doing. I had ZERO understanding.

"If you want the peace that surpasses understanding, then you must forfeit your right to understand." 

- Bill Johnson

Bill Johnson's quote sums it up perfectly. I had to completely forfeit my right to understand in order to get peace. Once I did that, I was in a better position to hear from God. Eventually I sensed very strongly that I was supposed to stay, which was not an easy thing for me to receive and accept. It took some time to get there. I was in a bit of denial over it all, to be honest. Not to mention it seemed crazy to stay in our two bedroom place with a baby on the way!

I surrendered all that and other thoughts, concerns, and fears to God, as did Sarah and Robert. Only when all three of us came to that place, each in our own time and process with God, do I think we really began to walk out what it means to live in community together. To this day we are still living together! It's awesome. Sure, there are challenges but it's honestly been one of the best things I've done!  There has been so much grace to "live in community" together and walk this out. God is so good and loads grace upon us when we walk in obedience according to HIS will.

Ultimately I learned that understanding doesn't always equal peace, and more often than not, we gain peace amidst our lack of understanding. After all, the Bible does say peace "which transcends all understanding..."

How many times have I read that verse? Too many times to count! It just took me some time to get it, or rather start to understand that a bit more. May we all continually go deeper in our understanding and experience HIS peace that surpasses all understanding in whatever our circumstances! It's so much better to forfeit our right to understand than it is to try and fight for understanding using our worldly understanding, "logic" and perspective.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)

Guest Post: Reflections on Marriage in the Context of Community

Sarah is my lovely, amazing, beautiful friend whom I live with in community alongside her awesome husband Robert and their adorable son Joshua! I asked her to write a guest post about living as a married person in community, and these are her thoughts. Enjoy! 


Disclaimer: I would just like to say that this is not a holistic or definitive discussion about what it is like to live in community as a married person. It is simply a reflection on one aspect of how living in community has impacted my marriage. There are challenges and many other aspects involved that are not discussed in this post. 

When we first moved into community a year ago, my husband and I were not really sure what we were getting into. We were excited, yet nervous at the same time and at times even a little scared. How would this impact our marriage? How would our relationship function in this new context? Would we struggle? Would living in community expose the ugly parts of us in a way that would be damaging?   

We had lots of questions but we were ultimately happy and eager to be walking in obedience to what we felt God was calling us to. Little did we know that we would get pregnant within the first month of living in community. This created its own set of stressors and raised many more questions which Megan might address in a later post. With that said, to our wonderful surprise and the graciousness of God, living in community has become a great blessing and gift to my husband and I. Living in community helped prepare my husband and I to become parents.

No, Megan is not like a child to us. She is a fully functioning adult who is incredibly responsible and mature for her age. However, living with another person has caused a very positive refining in our marriage which equipped us to be better parents. Living with Megan has made us conscious about more intentionally stewarding an atmosphere of peace in our home that is free of strife and discord. We do not always do this perfectly, but we have been much more aware of this then when we were first married and living on our own. We are more careful about how and what we speak to each other. We try our best not to argue in front of Megan (although I am sure we have done this on some occasions). As a result, what, in the past, would have been a heated argument in the moment often turns into a much calmer discussion later behind closed doors. My husband and I fight far less since we started living in community a year ago. 

No, we are not just suppressing things or being fake. We do still argue sometimes and continue to have very deep, challenging, and sometimes intense discussions both individually and as a community. With this said, we have learned how to pick our battles and often chose to not engage in a certain conversation because we know it will not go anywhere and is simply a waste of our energy and time. We have learned to say sorry, and forgive more quickly.

 Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace. 

Ephesians 4:2-3

We are aware that the love, unity, and connection in our marriage not only affects our lives but Megan’s also. The responsibility of this has caused us to nurture and protect our marriage more and this made our transition to becoming parents much easier. I think most parents desire to raise their child in a peaceful and nurturing environment.  This is not always an easy thing to achieve and often requires a steep learning curve and ultimately no family can do this perfectly. Yet, we have had a lot of good practice by living in community, which has made our learning curve easier.  Living in community has given us the grace we need to walk out one of the main things God has called us to do in this season: be parents. For this we are so grateful.  

When we put our trust in God and walk in obedience to what He is leading us to do, even if we don’t understand we are given the opportunity for massive growth in our character, relationship with the LORD and with others. Have you ever had to put your trust in God and walk in obedience even when you did not understand or felt scared? What did this look like for you? 

Community: Leaving individualism behind and embracing shared life

Since my initial post about community, I have been astonished at the number of people I've come across who are really, really desiring community in their lives. I suppose I really shouldn't be surprised but sometimes it's hard to know that you're not alone in your struggles. I have several friends who are seeking out community diligently, and taking risks to make it happen. It's super encouraging to see that, because it's really discouraging to struggle with lacking community.

People are not just needing community, they are wanting community.
People are hungry for it, and are seeking it out.

As I said previously, it is God's will that as Christians we live in the context of community - fellowship - shared life. God brings life, and it's meant to be shared. It's fundamental to the Christian faith, and it isn't happening as much as it should be. I feel as though this has to do with the huge emphasis placed on individualism. This individualism is deeply rooted within our Western culture. We try hard to be independent.

I became acutely aware of this individualistic/independent mindset when I began telling various people that I was going to live in community with married friends. Their responses were interesting and varied to say the least, with an underlying discomfort, misunderstanding or fear. People's reactions and responses worsened when I told people that they were having a baby, and we planned to continue living together. It wasn't always easy to hear their responses and be misunderstood.

"So, it's like a commune?"
"Ohhh..."
"Well, say goodbye to sleep!"
"Why?..."
"Well, that's good... (insert long pause) until you have your own place that is!"
"...My neighbour's basement suite is up for rent, it's really nice! I'll give you their number."
"I could never do that, but... good for you?"
....Or just the plain old, awkward silence.

Community makes people a bit uncomfortable I have noticed, especially when you are cultivating it in a home together like we are doing. Why does it make people so uncomfortable? I think some of it boils down to this individualistic mindset. I also feel that people don't necessarily understand what it looks like to live in community with one another, or think of it as being co-dependent. Reuben Welch, author of "We Really Do Need Each Other" offers another idea that may have contributed to individualism. He suggests that individual salvation and our personal relationships with God ("you have your relationship, I have mine") has been over-emphasized and contributed to our over-individualistic mindsets. I had never really thought of it that way, and it's something to think about for sure.

Having an individualistic and independent mindset creates and leads to self-reliance, isolation, loneliness, and disunity. It can also create selfishness. Is it easier to be independent? Most likely, in some ways at least. But, the fruit comes when we live in the context of community as God intended.

Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. 

Philippians 2:3-4 (ESV)

A Man who isolates himself seeks his own desire; 
He rages against all wise judgement.
Proverbs 18:1 (NKJV)

"Real witnessing is one beggar telling another beggar where to get bread. We are all beggars - we don't have anything but the life of Christ and his life in us is not separate from our life with each other."  - Reuben Welch

I love what Welch says here about our life in Christ not being separate from our life with each other. We need to move away from that separatist perspective! He goes on to say that God's grace works in such a way that we need one another in the context of community, and that this is not because Jesus isn't enough or because God is inadequate. Burdens lighten when we share and care for one another. Community is a powerful thing! It's a powerful thing that the enemy hates, and he would prefer for us to stay independent and self-focused.

Walking out community brings out the good, the bad, and the ugly. That is authenticity, and it's messy. Some of the most beautiful, hard and humbling moments in our house have involved confession and repentance together (1 John 1:9, James 5:16). Living intentionally in community hasn't allowed me to cover things up or deny that I'm going through a hard time. (Don't get me wrong, we aren't airing out our "dirty laundry" all the time because we live together. Boundaries are needed and in place, as in every relationship.) I've also learned a lot about humility and it looks like to walk it out. It's truly been an honour and privilege getting to see and be apart of one another's walk with God firsthand while living under the same roof.

That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked at and our hands have touched - this we proclaim concerning the Word of life. The life appeared; we have seen it and testify to it, and we proclaim to you the eternal life, which was with the Father and has appeared to us. We proclaim to you that we have seen and heard, so that you also may have fellowship with us. And our fellowship is with the Father and with his son Jesus Christ. We write this to make our joy complete.
1 John 1:1-4 (emphasis added)

Fellowship with the Father, and fellowship with one another. It's about "being together as Christians not just Christians being together" as Welch puts it while discussing this verse in 1 John. The church needs to get this, and since we are the church, let's put being together into better practice. We need to be apart of this or create places for this to happen! Let's embrace community and share life together.

My Prayer: 
Lord, I pray that you would teach us how to truly fellowship and cultivate community in our lives, however you will that to look. Give us a deeper understanding of this and help us love one another and really be together. Replace our individualistic and over-independent mindsets with your perspective on fellowship, community and loving one another. Help us not to be fearful of allowing people into our lives, and the humility and vulnerability needed for that. Remind us every day that you are the one who has brought the life of God which brings us together. Help us to embrace true community as Christians and use it to love, encourage and build one another up.

Side note: If you are interested in reading Reuben Welch's book you can order it here. 
UPDATE: Also, Banning Liebscher recently spoke about community at Bethel Church, listen to it here. Super good!

Loving Vancouver

"I'm a country girl", I've always said.
I grew up on a farm, how could I be any other way?
I lived on acreage with a nature playground as my backyard.
I always figured I would remain a country girl, couldn't really see it any other way.
Never really imagined or wanted to live in the city, unless it was "for a short time only".

Then, one year ago on June 9, 2012 I moved to Vancouver, "for a job".
I moved here for that sole practical reason, or at least that is what I was telling myself and others.
We started "living in community" at that time, although I think that we've been continually learning what that has meant. God is constantly revealing and teaching us what community is really about, especially since all of us left places where had pre-existing community near by to live in Vancouver.

I have grown to love Vancouver. I even consider it home. HOME. This is a BIG deal.
I never, ever thought I would say those words out loud or write them on a blog to be read by others.
It took many months of living here to stop calling my parents' home "my home", even though it will always be a home to me. I fought to prevent myself from calling Vancouver home. I worked hard to believe it was only temporary.

But, when God puts something in you, there isn't a whole lot you can do as my "roommate" said today.

He's put it in me to love Vancouver. To be fully present here. To love people here. To build community here. To grow in him here. This is a very recent revelation, or rather it is only recently that I'm accepting of all of this. I'm learning slowly what this all looks like. I think it's safe to say I feel called to be in Vancouver for right now, until God reveals otherwise. It's good he reveals in parts. I really believe it's God's grace that we don't always see the big picture, and that we only see things partially and as he reveals. Would I have moved if I had known I would be staying longer than a year? I think deep down I knew it would be longer, but I certainly wasn't willing to accept it at the time. It's like what Paul writes:

Now we see things imperfectly, like puzzling reflections in a mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

1 Cor 13:12 (NLT)

I remember driving back to Vancouver from Langley after church with one of my friends. She has been living in Vancouver for several years and was saying that she always feel so refreshed and excited as she drives back into the city, especially after being away for a few days. I recall wondering if I would ever feel that way about the city, and concluded that I wouldn't. I'm a country girl right? I love wide open spaces, the city can be "claustrophobic".

I feel that way now, just how she described it, and I can't even put it into words fully. I had those feelings as I drove back to Vancouver the other day after spending some restful days in Langley visiting with friends and family. I'm at home in Vancouver. I think for a long time I thought I had to feel completely settled in order to feel at home somewhere, but I'm really at home wherever God has me. I always thought other people were called to be in the city, but not me. I was just here temporarily for a job. Well that job is not temporary, and me living here is definitely not temporary.

God's done a lot of work on this in me. It's definitely taken a long time and been a process.
I've laid things down, and let things die. I've stopped asking "why" and embraced the journey which is full of growth and grace. The safest place to be is in HIS will.

Does that mean that the country girl in me is gone? No, but she is thriving in the city and learning to be content and at home wherever God has her. So, embrace where you are at, wherever God has called you to be, doing whatever he has called you to do and you can love it!

Are you a risk taker?

A few months back I had a meeting with an advisor at my bank to discuss my "risk tolerance" in regards to some financial decisions I was making. I walked into that meeting thinking I had a higher risk tolerance than I did when it came to money.  This conversation got me thinking about what my "risk tolerance" is outside of the bank, on a day-to-day basis and how willing I am to take risks for God and walk in obedience to him. 

I realized I have taken a number of different risks lately that pulled me right out of my comfort zone. I guess there is a reason that it's called a 'comfort zone' since it's awfully comfortable and familiar there. Most recently I had the chance to pray for a few people as God prompted which pushed me out of my comfort zone a bit. I also started this blog which feels a little vulnerable as I put my thoughts out there for people to read. I've been taking big risks in hoping and praying for things that God has promised for me that I have yet to see fulfilled, and also in my prayers for family, friends, and my job. I even went on a date after agreeing to be set up with a guy through mutual friends which was a pretty big risk for me. I often feel as though it takes risk to just be a Christian in my workplace, to have the values and beliefs I have and to walk them out boldly (something I am definitely needing to work on) in such a secular place.

Whoever watches the wind will not plant; whoever looks at the clouds will not reap. Ecclesiastes 11:4 (NIV)

I love what Ecclesiastes is saying here. You will not reap what you do not sow, and you will not sow if you are only watching the wind. Sometimes you have to stop watching the wind and take action. Sometimes you have to get off your couch, leave your house, and put yourself out there. Sometimes it will be uncomfortable, that's okay! Obedience involves risk. Having hope and faith involves risk. Loving people involves risk. It's exciting, empowering, and scary all at the same time. That's the thing with risk, there is always some uncertainty involved and the possibility that it might not turn out so great. However, there is also the even greater possibility that something amazing will come of it. When God is involved, that's the case more often than not! Thankfully so.

Some of the risks I've taken lately haven't turned out quite the way I imagined or expected they would. It's hard to hope and believe for something to happen and then not see it come to fruition. It's tough to be shut down, rejected or not accepted. I'm learning that it's okay, this is a part of life, and God is still good, always. Sometimes taking risks makes me feel like a top being thrown off kilter, and leaves me questioning whether I should risk again. Am I willing to risk even though it could hurt and might be disappointing? Yes, because there is good news! Risks produce harvest if you are willing to sow into them. And, it's worth it do so even if your heart hurts a little in the process or you are burned because I've realized you learn and grow and become stronger in your faith and dependence on God. Situations might not always go the way you planned; you might not be well received, someone might not be healed after you pray for them, and something might end in a way you weren't expecting it to - but, you were obedient and took the risk. You aren't sitting on your couch wondering what might have happened, because you went for it! And regardless of the turnout, there is always learning to be had along the way. 

The Bible is full of people who took huge risks for God. Jesus risked being rejected and misunderstood on a regular basis, and he experienced both of these to the fullest extent possible. Rahab comes to mind when she hides Israelite spies in the book of Joshua or Moses who parts the red sea in Exodus. I love the story of the woman who pours perfume on Jesus' feet in Luke. There is also the woman hemorrhaging who believes she will be healed through touching Jesus' cloak takes risk in Matthew. She is healed! Come on! I could go on and on, as there are countless stories of risk-takers all throughout the Bible. Noah, Daniel, Abraham, the disciples... All these people have several things in common, but the most obvious being faith: faith in a faithful God. They also trusted him and were obedient, even when if it meant looking crazy or different. I'm realizing more and more that risk (whatever the size and cost) is really just a normal part of our Christian walk. 

Faith, trust, obedience and risk all go hand in hand.

So, I am choosing to be a risk-taker because God is a loving father who holds me close, and really, the safest place to be is in his will. I am choosing to be a risk-taker because even though it throws me off balance at times and it's hard to get back up, God is always stable and never off kilter. Psalm 46:1 says he is "our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble". That is enough for me, HE is enough for me. I desire to stay in tune with what my Father in heaven is saying and asking of me, and I long for more boldness, courage and grace to walk it out, to be obedient and take the risks needed along the way, even when it seems scary. Choose to be a risk-taker alongside our amazing Father!

When I am afraid, I put my trust in you.
Psalm 56:3 (NIV)

Stay tuned, in the next month or so I am hoping to explore the topic of community further, with the help of some dear friends!

P.S. Thanks for reading my blog!

What is God teaching you?

I was skyping with a friend recently and sharing with her how my job has seemed extra challenging lately and I haven't been dealing with it well (if at all). While I could identify some things that were making it hard, there were also things that I couldn't (and still can't) even pin point necessarily. I described feeling as though I was just trudging along, which felt laborious and taxing. Trudging along is slow, painful and also rather discouraging. It's not the least bit restful, and feels like barely "surviving" at times. The thing is, when you're trudging along you aren't getting anywhere fast and you're not able to see above whatever it is you're trying to get through. Your eyes on yourself and the hard stuff you are dealing with and it's difficult to have hope and know the end goal because of this.

Yeah, that has been me.

I had driven home that day feeling overwhelmed and praying to God for his perspective, asking him what I should do, and ultimately crying out for his grace to walk through this. I didn't want to just survive anymore or hope it gets easier in time and somehow get through it.

My friend's (gentle, and loving) response to me: "What do you think God is teaching you through this? Have you asked him?"....Boom. Busted!

That was one of the keys for me. When we ask God to reveal what he is teaching us (even if it's just a glimpse because we usually don't get the whole picture), we can then co-labour in that together with him. Breakthrough comes sooner when our eyes are on him and we are aware of what he is teaching us, or at least are reminded that there is an end and HE is with us in the process! I heard God say that this challenging season at my job is character building. Gaining an understanding of that brought a shift for me! As I write this a few weeks after this happened, I am seeing his work on my character in small ways. Is it still challenging? Yes. Do I have a better perspective and attitude? Yes.

It has been a humbling process, and seems almost silly and obvious as I write this all out, but so often I just trudge and forget to keep my eyes on the one who keeps his loving eyes on me. I forget all too quickly that he also makes all things work together for the good of those who love him! Walking in this kingdom mindset is so much more effective, hopeful and freeing in our challenging situations. The challenges we go through are not just hard for the sake of being hard - which is a tempting mindset to have because it almost takes the responsibility off ourselves to keep our eyes on him, to pray, shift the atmosphere, seek and have HIS perspective, etc. amidst our circumstances. With all that said, I encourage you to be honest with yourself, stop trudging and ask God what he is teaching you amidst your own circumstances.

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you with my loving eye on you.

Psalm 32:8

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those are called according to his purpose.

Romans 8:28