As I said, I'm not proud of the initial emotions I felt and although I'm not in any way justifying it, I do want to provide some context and background. We had just moved to Vancouver. Sarah and I had both graduated from nursing school and written our Canadian RN exam in June. I had only been working at my new job in Vancouver for a few weeks, and it was overwhelming to say the least. This was also the first time I had moved out, and I was missing my family and the familiarity I had known. I felt like everything in my life was in huge transition, and not very much was familiar or comfortable.
I reacted to this news out of a place of fear (and selfishness) and couldn't see past it for a while. Upon receiving their news I immediately decided that the obvious, logical thing to do was find a place to live and new roommates. And I tried to do that. Ohh, how I tried! It was honestly God's grace that nothing worked out, and he was certainly trying to tell me something. I just wasn't listening, or wasn't ready to listen. I didn't understand and decided to focus on that which ultimately made it more distressing.
I remember telling a friend about all of this, and how I was sad to have to move and experience more change. His response to me was "Well, what is your definition of community?" I didn't really know how to answer that at the time. He pointed out that community also includes families, and that perhaps when someone's having a baby it's the time when they need people in community the most.
He had a good point.
What he said felt like a sucker punch in the stomach to be honest, mostly because I felt offended. I felt offended because I knew he was right, but I didn't know what to think of that, nor was I ready to accept what he was saying. So I kept on doing what I was doing...looked at a few places, tried to figure out who to live with... In the mean time I was feeling more and more confused about what to do, while Robert was hearing from God that we may all continue living together. He didn't tell me this until later. Sarah was also going through her own process with all of this.
Finally I took time to listen to God and I felt him saying to lay it down and just trust him. So I did, and should have from the beginning! The shift for me was night and day. I went from being anxious and stressed over my living situation to total peace. I felt like I different person. People noticed the change. The crazy part was, I still didn't know what I was doing. I had ZERO understanding.
"If you want the peace that surpasses understanding, then you must forfeit your right to understand."
- Bill Johnson
Bill Johnson's quote sums it up perfectly. I had to completely forfeit my right to understand in order to get peace. Once I did that, I was in a better position to hear from God. Eventually I sensed very strongly that I was supposed to stay, which was not an easy thing for me to receive and accept. It took some time to get there. I was in a bit of denial over it all, to be honest. Not to mention it seemed crazy to stay in our two bedroom place with a baby on the way!
I surrendered all that and other thoughts, concerns, and fears to God, as did Sarah and Robert. Only when all three of us came to that place, each in our own time and process with God, do I think we really began to walk out what it means to live in community together. To this day we are still living together! It's awesome. Sure, there are challenges but it's honestly been one of the best things I've done! There has been so much grace to "live in community" together and walk this out. God is so good and loads grace upon us when we walk in obedience according to HIS will.
Ultimately I learned that understanding doesn't always equal peace, and more often than not, we gain peace amidst our lack of understanding. After all, the Bible does say peace "which transcends all understanding..."
How many times have I read that verse? Too many times to count! It just took me some time to get it, or rather start to understand that a bit more. May we all continually go deeper in our understanding and experience HIS peace that surpasses all understanding in whatever our circumstances! It's so much better to forfeit our right to understand than it is to try and fight for understanding using our worldly understanding, "logic" and perspective.
I surrendered all that and other thoughts, concerns, and fears to God, as did Sarah and Robert. Only when all three of us came to that place, each in our own time and process with God, do I think we really began to walk out what it means to live in community together. To this day we are still living together! It's awesome. Sure, there are challenges but it's honestly been one of the best things I've done! There has been so much grace to "live in community" together and walk this out. God is so good and loads grace upon us when we walk in obedience according to HIS will.
Ultimately I learned that understanding doesn't always equal peace, and more often than not, we gain peace amidst our lack of understanding. After all, the Bible does say peace "which transcends all understanding..."
How many times have I read that verse? Too many times to count! It just took me some time to get it, or rather start to understand that a bit more. May we all continually go deeper in our understanding and experience HIS peace that surpasses all understanding in whatever our circumstances! It's so much better to forfeit our right to understand than it is to try and fight for understanding using our worldly understanding, "logic" and perspective.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Philippians 4:6-7 (NIV)
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